Nodus tollens.

Not necessarily in this state of mind right now. Last winter and spring were very difficult and these words are the result. Can't remember anymore when I wrote them.

my vision, my head, my mind blurry

why is the world always in such a hurry?

care-free life seems like a distant memory, a myth

why is reality hard to deal with?

i can't be what you want me to be

not "good vibes only" (such toxic positivity)

more like aesthetics and honesty

introverted night owl

this society's nightmare

they don't understand

and that i can't stand

liberosis

i don't know what that is

rubatosis

oh, i know too well what that is

looking back at the plot of my life through a lens

nodus tollens

the only thing that does make sense

is that nothing makes sense

but i assure you, brothers and sisters,

the sun will shine on us again

Nice ice, baby.

shivering, shaking, freezing, trembling

am i in wandavision? is there a glitch in the matrix?

nah, our home is like the antarctic

on the outside i'm bumbling

in my mind i'm crumbling, tumbling

down

snapping my ice cold fingers

this rhythm in my head, it lingers

even my fiery dance moves aren't keeping me warm

i love the dark but also i hate the dark

these colours give me a needed spark

of joy, creativity, clarity

starting

quitting

succeeding

failing

inspiration

emptiness

imagination

detachment

mimeomia

heartworm

énouement

fitzcarraldo

Unself.

will you help me gather my thoughts?

i'm very skillful at covering my truest self, my truest feelings

facade, hide, masquerade

i could be hitting rock bottom for the umpteenth time

and on the same day look like this and put on a smile

can you be me for a moment

live inside me

see the world the way it always looks to me

why do i think when i can when i really don't

and why do i think i can't when i really do

you can wash away the dirt
but you can't wash away the failure

i crave normalcy

and at the same time i don't

but being normal would be so much easy

but at the same time i know that it's ok to not be ok

maybe i'm too hard on myself

still, i'm so tired of being tired

something has got to change

words by me and my boi steven

Musical frissons: It's so good it Hurts.

Oh how I loved you back in the day. How I listened to your first 2 albums every morning. 7 years ago, my mornings started with Silver Lining or Exile, depending on which album I started my listening sessions with the day before. And then one of you featured in a song by a DJ I usually don't like, but MAN that song was a banger! Still is.

Then something happened. The third album. There were a couple of nice singles, but the overall vibe was - as my former favourite artist Kanye would say in his track Love Lockdown - wrong. I liked Rolling Stone, Slow and Kaleidoscope, but that was it. Then the next album... well I must admit, I can't remember any of the songs because there's a chance I only listened to it once and when I asked about it from others, they said it was boring. It hurts to even write this (pun intended), I hate giving critique so much.

Oh, but then. BUT THEN. I don't know whether it was the Covid-19, some reboot in Theo and Adam's lovely creative brains, BUT FAITH. Man oh MAN have you gone back to your roots! This album is AMAZING. Every song is as great as the next one. Of course, some songs demand a certain mood or vibe (for example All I Have To Give or Redemption), but in a perfect mood all of the songs are absolutely unskippable.

Voices was an instant favourite. I could listen to it all day. Suffer is slow-burning, dark, even sensuous melancholy. Slave To Your Love has a gorgeous melody and beautiful sounds. Even though I can't relate (only through empathy and loved one's experiences), I love the lyrics of Liar. Somebody has a victorious feel of getting out of a toxic relationship (also you MUST check out the music video). Numb has a powerfully rusty and anarchic vibe. Redemption demands a certain mood, but the bridge is so mighty I can't help but feel powerful and that I can do anything whenever I listen to that part. And White Horses. Loving the lyrics, the sound, Theo's voice.

Faith by Hurts has everything for everyone. I LOVE IT. 12/10, will recommend! The perfect album for dark days.

Sad Is Happy For Deep People.

"What did you come here for anyway?"

"I love old things. They make me feel sad."

"What's good about sad...?"

"It's 'happy' for deep people."

Merry days of yore

Very pleased to explore

Berry picking until you were sore

Hairy dogs roaming freely, without bore

Cheery children running gleefully, wanting more

Scary clouds form, you run to the front door

The scent of geosmin brings you back memories

Back inside, walk inside, the wooden floor creaks

Dinner almost ready

Ready to feast is the whole family

It's not much, but I'm satisfied

This simple life, smile open wide

Nostalgic vibes, simpler times

Black and white, burden light

Illustrate the old oven, and the bread, the butter

The old lamps light the room as it gets dimmer

Sewing that wool on a wooden stool

Add more wood for the fireside as it gets cool

Sit down, lay down, feeling tired

Fall asleep in front of the gentle fire

But those days are long gone, which is sad

But I'm glad

Merry days of yore

Very pleased to explore

Lyrics by Matias Ekman

Photos by Ems at Liesjärvi National Park

Emotions we feel but can't explain.

Silience

n. the kind of unnoticed excellence that carries on around you every day, unremarkably — the hidden talents of friends and coworkers, the fleeting solos of subway buskers and the unseen portfolios of aspiring artists.

My brother took this photo on a beautiful fall evening. He has so much talent, yet he himself doesn't see it. I really wish he could. And yes, it is #nofilter.

Nighthawk

n. a recurring thought that only seems to strike you late at night.

By the more accurate definition, nighthawk is related to negative feelings and things. Nighthawk is like the literal hawk: hovering above you slowly but firmly. If you are thinking about a problem at work or something embarrassing that happened to you years ago, that is called a nighthawk.

Chrysalism

n. the amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm.

When I was little, I was afraid of thunderstorms. Even the sounds of thunder had me looking for the nearest blanket or bed to hide under. Nowadays I love them. I'm so bummed whenever my mom tells me they are having a thunderstorm and we are not even though we live 40 km from where they live. So I rarely get to feel chrysalism. Such boring.

Kenopsia

n. the eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet.

Tampere 2.22 am. It's been a long time since I've seen the city this quiet.

Monachopsis

n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.

Like that flying maple leaf, I sometimes feel that I'm out of place. Even more so in this time of year.

Rubatosis

n. the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.

Jouska

n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.

Anecdoche

n. a conversation in which everyone is talking, but nobody is listening.

Exulansis

n. the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it - whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness.

Rückkehrunruhe

n. the feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness.

While I'm always happy to be home after a trip, the feeling of seeing our front yard, stepping out of the car to unpack the trunk and opening the front door is quite eerie and fuzzy in a very subtle way.

Ambedo

n. a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details.

Onism

n. the frustration of being stuck in just one body that inhabits only one place at a time.

Altschmerz

n. weariness with the same old issues that you've always had – the same boring flaws and anxieties that you've been gnawing on for years.

Nodus Tollens

n. the realization that the plot of your life doesn't make sense to you anymore.

Heartworm

n. a relationship or friendship that you can't get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished.

If this ain't me...

Sonder

n. the realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own - populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness.

Occhiolism

n. the awareness of the smallness of your perspective.

Anemoia

n. nostalgia for a time you've never known.

Ellipsism

n. a sadness that you'll never be able to know how history will turn out.

Énouement

n. the bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.

As an INFJ I find this particularly upsetting or anticlimactic, since I'm quite skilled at seeing patterns and foretelling how things might unravel. It doesn't help much when things turn for the worse and all I can say is "... well I told you so".

Liberosis

n. the desire to care less about things.

I think people should care about some things. If we wouldn't care about anything, the whole world would be in an inevitable chaos. What I'm talking about here is caring less about what others think of me as a person and how to do things as well as my fear of failure. It stops me from doing so much. I have also been told that I'm too demanding towards myself and that everything doesn't need to be perfect. I quite agree and I think I have improved in that area, but I still need to remind myself from time to time that nobody's perfect. And we can't demand perfection from imperfect people.

Oh, perfectionism. My greatest blessing and my biggest curse.

Kairosclerosis

n. the moment you realize that you’re currently happy — consciously trying to savor the feeling — which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context, where it will slowly dissolve until it’s little more than an aftertaste.

Yes. I sure do like to pick things apart in my mind. But I've come to realize that as of late I have felt kairosclerosis quite a few times. Even though I am once again suffering from the good ol' seasonal affective disorder, I am feeling content about my life when I really think about it.

Vemödalen

n. the frustration of photographing something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist.

FEELING THIS. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And I am willing to bet you have too.