Do you know the feeling when you have a lot on your mind, but they are in the most complicated clustery mess you have ever experienced and can't quite fathom what it is that you want to say? Because that is what has been happening probably every day in the depths of my complex mind.
I really want to write, but I have problems writing my thoughts down in a way I'd like and especially saying those thoughts out loud. I usually have carefully concocted sentences in my head, but when I have to say them out loud it feels like I'm saying a random key smash.
I have what feels like a million channels open in my head. I'm thinking about the past, the present and the future. I'm thinking about events of the world, our daily life and how to handle it, conspiracy theories, psychology, abstract things, memes, music, Endgame AND there are 3 songs taking turns in my head all the while a whole scene from Brooklyn 9-9 is playing in my head at the same time.
Still, I'd like to try and focus. I want to talk about a song that has a deeper meaning to me and about personal improvements and growth I've become aware of within myself by reading my old blog posts.
The song is called Masterpiece by Disclosure and vocals are sang by the most awesome Jordan Rakei.
Lately, you hold your tongue and don't make a scene
But I see through the façade
See the queen behind the guard
Somehow I can relate to both sides of these lyrics. I'm listening to the lyrics and internalizing what Jordan is saying to the listener a.k.a. me, but also I can imagine myself saying those words to someone. A true INFJ song.
Over the years I have noticed that I can pick up different vibes very easily and notice small things most people don't. It can be very frustrating sometimes, but most of the time I think of it as a strength of mine. Even kind of a superpower. Sounds a lot more cooler that way. I know when someone is being authentic and genuinely a nice person, but also I can sense when someone is being fake and doesn't have good intentions. I remember times when I've said I don't like a person and others don't see why, until the person shows their true colours after a long while. I never say "I told you so", because I don't need to. I hold my tongue and don't make a scene.
Gently, you mask the fact that you disagree
Dealt a hand without your card
Had the joker from the start
In the past few years I have shut up about many things. There has been countless times when I've wanted to set things straight and say exactly what's on my mind then and there. But no. I have been quiet and still am. I hate fighting and arguments, but also I don't know how to express things in a calm and rational matter. The only person I can do that with is my husband. Anyway, in situations like this I rather shut up than tell exactly how I think. Sometimes it stresses me the heck out, but better safe than sorry.
Also I've wanted to stop the "façade" and be true to myself. To be realistic yet idealistic. I know, some of you are thinking that how is that even possible, but it is for me. I want to be just as I am and I want to do what I want with my life. I don't want to work 9 to 5 in an office or in a grocery store. I want to work at a small shop, which sells cute things that make people smile and all giddy. Or I'd love to work at a boutique selling aesthetic design, which I don't have to push to people because the items sell themselves. Or at a lovely chocolaterie.
I want to try something new. I want to make something of me. But also I want to take my time, because there's nothing I hate more than being rushed to do things. I always get shivers of disgust down my spine if I feel that someone rushes me in any way. But yet again I won't say anything because I mask the fact that I disagree, just nod along and smile approvingly and then I try to change the subject.
You're yearning, wearing thin
Searching for something
YES. THIS. I don't know if I'm wearing thin though, but yearning. That's the word. I've been yearning to have a meaning for my life. I know what I want to do and what I need to do, but I don't know. I am still searching my precise place on this planet Earth. I get all kinds of ideas on a daily basis, but I haven't had any resources to put them into effect in a long time. If ever. And I'm talking about all kinds of resources, both mental and financial.
I know what you're hiding but they can't see what you've got
What you've got, baby, what you've got, baby
Quit crying and stop trying to be someone you're not
What you're not baby, what you're not baby
Maybe you can't see
Oh, you're the masterpiece
The chorus is my absolute favourite. If I further examine this from "Jordan's" point of view, I can see the potential in everyone. Everyone else but me. I know my potential and also I don't. Such contradictions... But in others, I can see it, because I want to. I always strive to see the good in people. This society, this world is trying to bring certain kind of people down. The sensitive, creative ones who don't want to conform in the man-made mold where everyone are just supposed to fit in. Some do, but not me. And if I'm forced to do that, I fight back even harder.
In time, you'll see the colours through your own eyes
You could take the perfect shot
Show the people what you've got
I've had people in my life that have brought me down in one way or another and it has had a big effect on my life and self-esteem. Bigger than I'd like to admit. That I'm nothing and I won't ever be anything. That I have no purpose in life. Back then I didn't know that I'm INFJ, but reflecting on that matter it really hurt, because there's nothing more important to me than having a purpose.
Looking back at my life I sometimes have felt that they were right. But also I have realized that I have been suffering from a bad imposter syndrome probably my whole life. I have had serious doubts about my abilities and talents and been genuinely afraid that anytime soon people will notice that I can't do anything. Once I realized that I have been working to get rid of those thoughts. Once and for all. And show the people what I've got.
I know those toxic thoughts are gonna haunt in the back of my mind, for sure, but the work is paying off. I have gone with the flow, doing my thing, being creative. And the most important thing of all, NOT comparing my work to others. That's the worst thing anyone could do.
A far cry from insecurity and demise
When your tears come to a stop
You can look down from the top
Last but not the least, the part of the song that brought me here to write this freaking long essay. A far cry from insecurity. Let's talk about this for a while.
I just read old OOTD posts of mine and a particular trend repeated itself in one of my posts. I had repeated that so many times that it made me think: "wow, 2016 me is bugging the heck out of me". I had written many times that "I don't like to wear item X because it makes me look fat / I want to look smaller / I look big in this" etc. First I was mad at myself for saying such things, then I became sad. I really thought I have been body positive for a few years now, but apparently I had lost it along the way.
I spent the whole last year obsessing about all the gained weight and searched for ways to lose weight. I wanted to fit into my old favourite clothes and "feel pretty again". I hated to look at photos of myself. I didn't even like my face. Like at all. The situation became worse and worse to the point I didn't know what to do with myself. I wanted to lose weight, but it isn't that easy with type 1 diabetes and I didn't have the strength or "the willpower" to do it.
Then I found all the good old bopo accounts again, which I had been following a few years ago, but for some reason I stopped doing that. Turns out it was a big mistake. After a while with all the bopo realness I now know that fat doesn't mean ugly. Fat is normal. We all have fat in our bodies. I am not alive to just pay bills and lose weight. I have more important things to do now.
The funny thing is, I started to gain weight after I got the Libre sensor. As my health and A1C started getting better and better, I steadily gained weight. When I realized that, it all made sense. Before I got diagnosed with diabetes, I was like any other kid/person with undiagnosed diabetes: thin as a branch, very sick and thirsty all the time. Then I had a rather high blood sugar range and 9.0-11.0 A1C for the next 20 years, so that kept me all thin and lean. In November 2017 I got Libre and that changed my self-care completely. My A1C started to drop (now it's 60 / 7.6), my health changed for the better and I gained the weight that I was probably supposed to have all my life. What an eye opener!
It's so great to see that consuming all that body positivity content really has worked wonders. Because all I could think about that I wish I could go back in time and say to that insecure young woman to stop worrying about all that losing weight BS and start LIVING.
You can look down from the top. This is exactly what I'm doing now. I'm looking down my younger self from the top, hoping I could comfort her and tell her that it's going to be okay in a few years. But also I'm more than happy to see after all this time that I have conquered some of my inner battles.
Tomorrow I might feel the exact opposite what I've written in this post. Let's hope I won't though. I'm a work in progress. We all are.
You wanna hear something funny? When I was writing this I didn't remember that today is May 6th, International No Diet Day. Could my timing be any more perfect?
I really want to write, but I have problems writing my thoughts down in a way I'd like and especially saying those thoughts out loud. I usually have carefully concocted sentences in my head, but when I have to say them out loud it feels like I'm saying a random key smash.
Still, I'd like to try and focus. I want to talk about a song that has a deeper meaning to me and about personal improvements and growth I've become aware of within myself by reading my old blog posts.
The song is called Masterpiece by Disclosure and vocals are sang by the most awesome Jordan Rakei.
Lately, you hold your tongue and don't make a scene
But I see through the façade
See the queen behind the guard
Somehow I can relate to both sides of these lyrics. I'm listening to the lyrics and internalizing what Jordan is saying to the listener a.k.a. me, but also I can imagine myself saying those words to someone. A true INFJ song.
Over the years I have noticed that I can pick up different vibes very easily and notice small things most people don't. It can be very frustrating sometimes, but most of the time I think of it as a strength of mine. Even kind of a superpower. Sounds a lot more cooler that way. I know when someone is being authentic and genuinely a nice person, but also I can sense when someone is being fake and doesn't have good intentions. I remember times when I've said I don't like a person and others don't see why, until the person shows their true colours after a long while. I never say "I told you so", because I don't need to. I hold my tongue and don't make a scene.
Dealt a hand without your card
Had the joker from the start
In the past few years I have shut up about many things. There has been countless times when I've wanted to set things straight and say exactly what's on my mind then and there. But no. I have been quiet and still am. I hate fighting and arguments, but also I don't know how to express things in a calm and rational matter. The only person I can do that with is my husband. Anyway, in situations like this I rather shut up than tell exactly how I think. Sometimes it stresses me the heck out, but better safe than sorry.
Also I've wanted to stop the "façade" and be true to myself. To be realistic yet idealistic. I know, some of you are thinking that how is that even possible, but it is for me. I want to be just as I am and I want to do what I want with my life. I don't want to work 9 to 5 in an office or in a grocery store. I want to work at a small shop, which sells cute things that make people smile and all giddy. Or I'd love to work at a boutique selling aesthetic design, which I don't have to push to people because the items sell themselves. Or at a lovely chocolaterie.
I want to try something new. I want to make something of me. But also I want to take my time, because there's nothing I hate more than being rushed to do things. I always get shivers of disgust down my spine if I feel that someone rushes me in any way. But yet again I won't say anything because I mask the fact that I disagree, just nod along and smile approvingly and then I try to change the subject.
Searching for something
YES. THIS. I don't know if I'm wearing thin though, but yearning. That's the word. I've been yearning to have a meaning for my life. I know what I want to do and what I need to do, but I don't know. I am still searching my precise place on this planet Earth. I get all kinds of ideas on a daily basis, but I haven't had any resources to put them into effect in a long time. If ever. And I'm talking about all kinds of resources, both mental and financial.
What you've got, baby, what you've got, baby
Quit crying and stop trying to be someone you're not
What you're not baby, what you're not baby
Maybe you can't see
Oh, you're the masterpiece
The chorus is my absolute favourite. If I further examine this from "Jordan's" point of view, I can see the potential in everyone. Everyone else but me. I know my potential and also I don't. Such contradictions... But in others, I can see it, because I want to. I always strive to see the good in people. This society, this world is trying to bring certain kind of people down. The sensitive, creative ones who don't want to conform in the man-made mold where everyone are just supposed to fit in. Some do, but not me. And if I'm forced to do that, I fight back even harder.
In time, you'll see the colours through your own eyes
You could take the perfect shot
Show the people what you've got
I've had people in my life that have brought me down in one way or another and it has had a big effect on my life and self-esteem. Bigger than I'd like to admit. That I'm nothing and I won't ever be anything. That I have no purpose in life. Back then I didn't know that I'm INFJ, but reflecting on that matter it really hurt, because there's nothing more important to me than having a purpose.
Looking back at my life I sometimes have felt that they were right. But also I have realized that I have been suffering from a bad imposter syndrome probably my whole life. I have had serious doubts about my abilities and talents and been genuinely afraid that anytime soon people will notice that I can't do anything. Once I realized that I have been working to get rid of those thoughts. Once and for all. And show the people what I've got.
I know those toxic thoughts are gonna haunt in the back of my mind, for sure, but the work is paying off. I have gone with the flow, doing my thing, being creative. And the most important thing of all, NOT comparing my work to others. That's the worst thing anyone could do.
When your tears come to a stop
You can look down from the top
Last but not the least, the part of the song that brought me here to write this freaking long essay. A far cry from insecurity. Let's talk about this for a while.
I just read old OOTD posts of mine and a particular trend repeated itself in one of my posts. I had repeated that so many times that it made me think: "wow, 2016 me is bugging the heck out of me". I had written many times that "I don't like to wear item X because it makes me look fat / I want to look smaller / I look big in this" etc. First I was mad at myself for saying such things, then I became sad. I really thought I have been body positive for a few years now, but apparently I had lost it along the way.
Then I found all the good old bopo accounts again, which I had been following a few years ago, but for some reason I stopped doing that. Turns out it was a big mistake. After a while with all the bopo realness I now know that fat doesn't mean ugly. Fat is normal. We all have fat in our bodies. I am not alive to just pay bills and lose weight. I have more important things to do now.
 |
| #tb to yyteri beach and some libre realness |
It's so great to see that consuming all that body positivity content really has worked wonders. Because all I could think about that I wish I could go back in time and say to that insecure young woman to stop worrying about all that losing weight BS and start LIVING.
You can look down from the top. This is exactly what I'm doing now. I'm looking down my younger self from the top, hoping I could comfort her and tell her that it's going to be okay in a few years. But also I'm more than happy to see after all this time that I have conquered some of my inner battles.
Tomorrow I might feel the exact opposite what I've written in this post. Let's hope I won't though. I'm a work in progress. We all are.
 |
| loving my hair, my tummy and my back rolls |
You wanna hear something funny? When I was writing this I didn't remember that today is May 6th, International No Diet Day. Could my timing be any more perfect?
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