Just INFJ things.

S E L F I E  I S  I N  S E S S I O N .

And also another self-analysis. Get ready to get bored of my face and my psychobabble.

From a young age, I felt different from the people around me. I can't exactly describe why and how, but oftentimes I felt very different from my peers and other people in general. I had been called shy, fussy and even a difficult child. I didn't feel that I was difficult, but maybe if I try to think about it objectively, I can agree with that statement. I remember wanting things to be a certain way, took things literally and I was a real stickler to rules. I couldn't handle disorder and chaos at all.

The differences could be seen in other things too: when others were obsessing over Finnish hit music, I loved Michael Jackson (and still do). I wanted to watch his music videos all the time, listen to his albums and boast about the time my dad went to see his show in Helsinki (and which ended up being the only MJ show in Finland...), but I just got weird looks from others and eye rolling. I really tried to like the same artists as my peers, and of course I did really like some of them. I absolutely adored Spice Girls, Nsync, The Backstreet Boys etc. But in the long run I just couldn't fake it. Still can't. Sure I'm able to hide my dislike towards particular artists etc. when I'm with people who like them. I don't want to be rude and bash my friends' favourites. I hate when people do that so I won't do that myself.

I remember feeling and fearing that people think that I'm a weirdo. As I got older I tried so hard to please everyone and fit in, but now I'm so happy that I eventually didn't cave in to the peer pressure and now I'm not afraid to show who I truly am.

Plans? Like Jenn Granneman says in this article on Introvert, Dear: "You feel more comfortable having a loose plan for things than you do completely winging it." I don't need to have a minute schedule, but I do like to have some sort of a plan about what's going to happen and especially if I'm in charge of something. I usually keep the plans in my head and of course in my phone if there's multiple events and tasks for the day. This probably stems from the fact that I have to know every event beforehand and I don't like any last-minute changes and plans.

If someone else is in charge I can be flexible and let them lead. Like my gurl Amy Santiago says: "Let's just go with the flow, see what happens, I don't give a whaaa...".

I want to know what’s REALLY going on in people’s lives. I really do, and I'd love to help you out. But only if you want me to! The last thing I want to do is to intrude in any way. And with me you needn't worry about me telling your personal problems to anybody else. I can be trustworthy.

To be totally honest, I haven't always been 100% trustworthy. I have been a complete blabbermouth in the past. Not on purpose, but it's not an excuse. And if a friend of mine told me about a totally mind-baffling problem, I sometimes told it to my mother to reflect on the problem, to get an objective opinion and to ask advice on how to properly help my friend. I have had to practice patience and to not babble every little thing in my mind, and nowadays I don't tell other people's secrets or personal problems to ANYONE.

I'm social, but... depending on the time of day, situation, my mood, energy levels and the company I can be a bit shy, quiet and withdrawn. Yes, me. If you know me, you know I can be extremely talkative, energetic, enthusiastic, optimistic, supportive and giddy, but it all depends on the aforementioned things. And like I stated on the first INFJ post (in Finnish), I'd rather not see anyone when I'm not in a good mood or my energy levels are too low. I would not be good company and I really don't want you to see that. If I'm forced to be with people when I'm at my worst, I will be quiet, scrolling through my phone a lot and even make sarcastic remarks.

TL;DR: I really really REALLY need my alone time.

How do I handle problems? Let me quote Jenn again: "When someone comes to you with a problem, you usually don’t give them advice or your opinion unless they ask." It's true. As I said before, I don't want to force my opinions and advice, but I do want to be of help. I might ask you a few questions about the situation and your feelings to better understand the problem. Sometimes I feel selfish when I do this, but I usually tell a story about a similar situation that happened to me and hope that my friend will form their own insight about their own situation. Or as Jenn said: "they’ll draw their own lesson". I might have an opinion about what path one should take, but again, I want it to be their own decision.

There are limits to my introversion. Even though I sometimes make a big number about being an introvert, eventually I want to climb out of my safe nest aka my home and see people. I want to talk. I want to chat. I WANT TO LAUGH. Deep conversations and giddy laughter are pure perfection after a time of being with myself.

I can be a people-pleaser. Sometimes I don't like this quality, but yes. I'd much rather be a mediator than a wrangler. I absolutely hate drama, conflicts and hateful speech. I just want people to be at least cordial with each other. I get extremely stressed, if I even sense any tension in the air. I even get physically ill and if I get angry, my whole body trembles like crazy. It feels absolutely horrible, like I'm having a seizure.

The Infamous Door Slam. I used to feel very bad about this whenever I had to "slam the door" in front of someone. Nowadays I don't. I know, it sounds harsh and radical, but sometimes one needs to do it to protect themselves from extra stress, toxicity, abuse, manipulation, drainage and heartbreak. Now I sound like I have done this many times without even a blink of an eye, but I haven't. Actually I didn't know about the term "Door Slam" until just now. It has been sort of a natural instinct ever since I was a vulnerable teen and it has spared me from A LOT. Because, you know, me and drama are archenemies to each other.

INFJs don't do the door slam out of spite or just to be mean. The ideal would be that we never would have to slam the door. Charlene Jimenez said it best on Introvert, Dear: "The well-known INFJ door slam isn’t about punishing the other person. It’s about protecting ourselves from more hurt." I am the most patient person when it comes to relationships. I have gotten angry and then forgiven many, many, MANY times. I never ever slam the door too hastily. It takes hours, days, weeks, months, even years that I weigh every situation, reminiscing how everything went down. I ponder, I think, I re-evaluate, I reconsider my own actions. Then there comes the time when I'm officially 100% done. I get so TIRED of all the draining analyses and stressing out about one person's words and behaviour. And then, after all this, I slam the door. With the heaviest heart.

Oftentimes I might have just closed the door and still can be cordial and friendly with the person. I just don't wanna open up to them anymore on a deeper level and keep the relations as minimal as possible. And I always want to give second chances, because I believe that people can change. In other words, the door can always be reopened if I'm able to trust again.

Of course, I could've handled the past situations better. Tell them how I felt about the things they said and did or didn't do. But it's too difficult for me, especially if the other one doesn't even realize they've hurt my feelings. Usually there can be a paradox in my mind: on the other hand I know that I'm hurt, but when I should talk to the person who hurt me, I belittle my feelings and start to think that my feelings aren't important and perhaps it was all my fault. That sends me into a loop that I cannot break. So what I usually do is that I forgive them without them knowing and start to move on with my life. I tend to not hold any grudges. And even if I'm hurt, I don't want to hurt their feelings or cause any further contention.

All I want is everyone to show love to each other and be at peace. But that's impossible in today's world.

(Psst. If you're now afraid that I may have slammed the door in front of you because I haven't talked to you in a while, I absolutely have not. The aforementioned things have happened to me years ago, so absolutely nothing to worry about. I just also happen to be very bad at managing friendships and keeping people posted. Please forgive me? ♥)

My head is way beyond the clouds. Always have, always will. People have called me slow when I simply was only thinking about other stuff and not listening. I know it might be rude, but I don't do that on purpose. If the matter at hand isn't interesting to me or I have a lot going on in my mind, it is super easy for me to go venturing my own thoughts.

I have a purpose. I think. I'd like to think that I have. Right now I don't feel that way, but sometimes I do. A while back I talked to a career counselor and we had such a good session. I got so many whole new ideas about what to do in the future. If anything, I know I have a purpose in the great scheme of things. I've had problems executing it lately, but I try to do my best with the little energy sparks I have in me.

Sometimes I turn to people-pleasing to protect myself. Let's quote Jenn again: "You’re sensitive, so you can get really bothered when someone criticizes you or is disappointed in you. They can’t criticize you if you make them happy." And it works. Everyone's happy and that's the most important thing. Surely I don't please people in everything, but you know like in trivial things and mundane decisions, like where we should go have dinner or something like that. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Always striving towards being better. Better self-esteem, better confidence, better physical health, better A1C, better mental health, BETTER ME. It's a never-ending path.

I sense things. I sense all the feelings and vibes around me. I sense happiness and I get happy too. I sense tension and it makes me tense. I sense sadness and it makes me sad. I sense hostility and it makes me nervous. Is it because of me? Please, tell me? For example, it was absolute chaos in my head when I came to school sometimes and everybody was already pissed off about something. It was usually school-related (well duh), but sometimes my signals got mixed and I thought some people were quarreling or someone was mad at me for some reason. I didn't want to say anything to anyone, because I would've gotten some pretty weird looks, but that's how I felt. Also I can't stand weird looks.

Nothing but class. Okay, I don't know about this. You be the judge.

Books, please! Aaaaaactually... I haven't read a whole book in like... 4 years? 5? I don't even know. I love to read articles and short stories, but books... I don't know what has happened. I had a book overload in high school and haven't recovered since. I'm really trying. I would want to read books, especially ones about psychology and body positivity etc. Maybe some day I'll order Megan Jayne Crabbe's and Michelle Elman's books and reboot my reading habits. When I was a kid/preteen/teen I did nothing but read and draw stuff in my room. I want that back.

My secret feelings. I do show my feelings a lot, but I keep most of it to myself. And to a small portion of my trusted ones, of course. I'm an extremely private person. Probably hard to believe because I'm writing a blog about my life, but most of the time it's just pictures and good vibes only. I'd love to open up more and be even more genuine and real here, but I simply cannot do that. I may write about my bad feelings, but I won't tell you why I'm feeling how I'm feeling. Never ever.

I care... a lot. Sometimes too much, even though I don't show it all the time. Actually I might come out as cold at times, because sometimes I can distance myself from others and think very objectively, but deep down I feel so many things towards other people. If someone ever hurts my loved ones, I feel that they hurt me too. I get very sad, angry even and feel the same feelings they feel.

I do 6 impossible things before breakfast. I don't know about 6 and impossible, but yes. It sure does feel like it. And I know it's mos def not healthy, but if I'm in a hurry, breakfast is the first thing I drop from my morning's to-do-list. The inventor of yoghurt drinks has saved my life, literally.

Empathy is my middle name. Enough said.

I never stop striving. Not even when I'm in the lowest of the low. Sometimes I mean this literally, for example now I'm having a diabetic low and still won't get snacks because I MUST WRITE MY THOUGHTS DOWN.

I didn’t ask to be like this! Being this personality type is a blessing and a curse at the same time. It's all about paradoxes. I'm a dreaming doer. I'm an extroverted introvert. I'm calmly emotional. I'm logical and creative. A pessimistic optimist. An inconsistent communicator. I fight for others but not for myself. I see the big picture, miss the small steps, but am still a perfectionist.

If you managed to get here, congrats man! Hopefully this helped you to understand my inner world and personality a bit better. Sure cleared my head for a while now.

Subheadings from Introvert, Dear. Most of them are edited.